Sunday, 8 June 2008

The old and the young

My relationship with my grandparents has always been much like that with my father. I care for their existence, and when they go I will be saddened, but mainly because of regret. My brother's and I were never close to my father, he was there most of the time when we were young and he taught us how to ride a bike, he took us on holidays, but we were never close, maybe because he never approached us in an emotional light, sure he'd hold me when I'd fallen over, he'd take splinter's out of my fingers, and taught me the things a man does, like woodwork, bicycle maintenance and making a good lawn. But speaking for myself whenever I was in trouble, I went to my Mum, I was never eager to go to my Dad for help, unless it was maths homework. I cannot bear any grudge for my father, he provided for us, he never hit us, he always looked out for us but he was never really close. I speak in the past tense because a while ago, he and my mother split up, and I haven't seen him now for several months, I doubt I will see him much in the future either.

As with my grandparent's I now see them a lot more often, than my father, but I have never been close to them either. While I was growing up, it seemed the older generation, thought of young people as yobs, and irresponsible louts, who don't appreciate fine literature, or sunny days or the things they did when they were young. Because of this I felt a responsibility to try to prove it wrong, so I never bring up what I'm interested in during conversation with my grandparents as I feel they will dismiss it as rubbish and nothing to do with real life experience, and so the prejudice that all young people do is "hang around", harass old ladies, and deface posters is furthered. So we were never close.

I look at the relationships, my friends have with their grandparents and fathers, and mostly I see that they are very close, they're open with each other about how they feel and they will go to them if they have problems. Because of this I feel much regret that my relationship with my father and with my grandparents hasn't been like my friends'. I feel maybe this is my fault, I didn't put enough effort in with them, I denied some unremembered opportunities to bond when I was young. So as I said in the beginning, when they go I will be sad because of regret. Knowing that, that is why I will be sad, makes me feel incredibly guilty, it should be because I miss them and I love them shouldn't it?

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